first reminder
the first reminder that i had of the family i didn't and don't have was simply leaving brazil. i spent most of the year there for five years, and left because of financial and healthcare considerations.
i was very dependent upon my boyfriend financially, and i was not comfortable with that, especially since i was not happy in the relationship. i knew that was partly why i stayed: i felt financially trapped in it as long as i tried to continue living in brazil, since i couldn't afford to live there on my own. my name finally came to the top of the waiting list for a rental subsidy in san francisco, and i thought that i had to "move it or lose it".
it was my chance to afford to live in san francisco again, instead of being essentially homeless: living in the homes of other people, either in brazil or when i was in the u.s. for medical check-ups and treatment, once for as long as five months. (during that particular stay i had to move 17 different times, from one friend's couch or guest room to the next, and sometimes back again. it is not easy trying to survive on government disability unless you have lots of other support systems in place to lend a hand.
don't get me wrong. my ex is a wonderful guy, one of the most giving and generous people you would ever want to meet. brazilians in general are like that. so i left a home where i was cared for in many ways and a culture where people are warm and romantic and affectionate and prioritize friends and family and community, and i came to a place where money is king and where average people are second class citizens to corporations and the rich. on top of that, i was forced to live alone if i wanted to be able to afford to live here at all. (the restrictions on the subsidies are significant, and rather inhumane, if you ask me.)
i also left my dog in brazil. i never wanted a pet but my ex finally convinced me that we should get one. guess who ended up getting attached to the dog, and her to me? she is a sweetheart and i miss her, too.
so i left behind a lot of family, and a culture in which family is extremely important. that was my first reminder that i didn't have biological relatives who are truly FAMILY, and have only one or two who MIGHT step up to fit into that definition if i were on the verge of dying.
