o sleep, where art thou?
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately.
the only nightmares i have ever had were dreams about being home again with my father and step-mother, and being abused at their hands. sometimes the abuse is emotional, sometimes physical, sometimes both. the dreams never involve events that actually happened, but are very realistic are exactly the kinds of events that did occur. i wake up re-traumatized, and it usually takes me several hours or even a day or two to get my head right again and let it go. these nightmares typically occur only once every year or so.
i had one this week. then last night, i had another dream that almost went there but wasn't quite as intense as those nightmares. beyond that, i have had a hard time getting to sleep, staying asleep, and sleeping more than 4-6 hours.
i have had so many medical appointments this week that i haven't been able to take any naps. i don't know what's going on, but i'm not happy about it. it is more difficult to feel well, mentally and physically, without proper sleep, and i know that it is THE most important restorative activity for our health. i'm going to try to find time for more naps - although the catch 22 in that is that when i nap i fear that messes up my sleep at night even more. still, better to get sufficient rest one way or another as opposed to not at all.
it probably wouldn't be so bad if i were smoking marijuana these days. i have no money to spend on that and have decided for other reasons as well that i would prefer not to smoke - at least not every day. as a result, i'm trying to persevere through this, and to manage it in other ways.
it makes me wonder if i'm spending these nighttime hours working through this relatively recent cutting off of contact with my father, step-mother and some siblings. it makes me wonder if there is some other work i could do on processing that, psychologically speaking, that during my waking hours. it makes me wonder if it was the right decision at all, and what the acceptable alternatives might be if i decided to go back on that decision.
