second reminder
My parents and I have never been close but over the years before I left for Brazil they had made significant efforts to maintain a civil relationship. Nevertheless, while I was in Brazil it started seeming to me like we were more distant than ever, not always responding to emails and not initiating as many as usual. I chalked it up to the fact that they never knew where in the world I was, and knew that I was mostly on another continent.
Five or so years ago a half-brother with whom I have never had any conflicts whatsoever suddenly cut me out of his life, and in doing so accused me of going around the world and spreading HIV. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but his message was so full of convolutions and extraneous accusations, some petty and some not, that I considered it one of a set and didn’t think too much of it. Being the scapegoat of the group, I have long been used to having hateful statements directed at me from out of the blue.
Then another brother took the opportunity of the last national election to turn into a right-wing nut case – literally. Until then there were none of those in the immediate family, although the extended family does have its share. I was having a minor political spat with one of those right-wing extended family members leading up to the vote, which she shared with select others who she thought might be on her side in hopes that they would shout me down. Instead, that brother jumped in out of nowhere with comments about how I was only concerned with sponging off of society and going around the world spreading HIV. I noted the similarity between the two comments from my siblings, although on some level the meaning of it didn’t fully register.
The following Mother’s Day, in response to my well-wishes my step-mother decides to ask me about my sexual behavior, saying that I told her at some point that I don’t always practice safer sex and that she has been deeply disturbed about my supposed revelation ever since. She wasn’t quite making the same comment my brothers did, but she was venturing an enquiry as if she believed something along those lines. Of course, it is highly unlikely that I ever spoke to her about my sexual behavior, and it is beyond unlikely that had I done so she would not have discussed it with someone else. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together.
I’m still not sure where these comments germinated. I have a few ideas but will probably never know, as they cannot be counted on to tell the truth.
My step-sister got married the following July. I found out in passing from a third or fourth or fifth party, the way I typically receive so-called family news, a couple of weeks before the wedding. I have never had a conflict with this step-sister, either – or at least not as an adult. I waited for an invitation that did not come, and the date passed. I knew in a vague way why I wasn’t invited: it had to relate somehow to my historical status as family scapegoat. A few months later I decided I wanted to hear the answer directly from my step-sister and asked her directly. I also asked her to be honest and not tell me some bullshit about how she thought I was out of the country, or whatever, which she might have otherwise done. Her reply? After some crap about how she and her fiancé needed to watch expenses, she revealed that it was because I “cause drama at family events”. (Keep in mind that drama for them is if you expressing a feeling or disagree with their thinking, about anything in any way.) The point is, though, that my step-sister would not have made the decision not to invite me without consulting with my father and step-mother, and she probably did precisely as they suggested.
I realized that in almost 50 years, not a thing had changed. My “family” was still trashing me behind my back, demonizing me the same as they have always done, holding me responsible for everything they don’t like about themselves, one another and the world, and working diligently to enlist the rest of the group in their perspective. After spending years being deluded into thinking that we were now playing nice, I realized that even the superficially pleasant relationship I thought we had was a lie.
Those developments were quite a big reminder of the biological family I didn’t – and don’t – have. As one might imagine, I have lost my motivation to even do the superficial dance with them. I’m not interested in fake relationships, so if they don’t want a real one, they don’t get one at all.
