third reminder
the third reminder - or reminders - revolves around my health challenges. i had been thinking about moving to brazil before i went on disability. on disability, i could no longer afford to pay rent and eat in the u.s. without additional material support. i had my brazilian boyfriend who wanted me to come there, and i needed to live somewhere i could afford to live. so shortly after going on disability i began plans to make the move and spent the next year or two doing so, and the next several years coming back and forth every three to four months to see my doctors and pursue whatever medical treatments were indicated at the time.
sure, i had plenty of specific health challenges during the time that i spent much of the year in rio, and had to spend five months in the u.s. at one point doing physical therapy as well as a series of diagnostic tests for an unrelated problem. on that trip i had to re-pack my bags and move 17 times, going from one friend's couch to another's spare bedroom to yet another. (see how fun being homeless can be?)
in short, i think that all of that back-and-forth provided a big, long distraction from the issues that were surfacing for me as a result of being on disability. my ex, tunikko, is one of the most generous people you would ever meet - typical brazilian, really - and provided all of the resources for me that i could not provide for myself. it was a reversal of fortune of sorts between us, because while i was in the u.s. and for my first couple of years there, even on disability i had more financial resources than he did and carried the bulk of our expenses. for the last several years though, it was his turn. i didn't like it and in fact felt financially trapped in the relationship; nevertheless, there is no denying that the support was there.
i was able to come back to the u.s. because after around twelve years of waiting, my name had risen to the top of the list for a specialized rental subsidy for people with hiv/aids. these subsidies come with all sorts of restrictions and limitations, including requiring me to live alone and forcing me to live in a marginal or dangerous or otherwise undesirable neighborhood. moving back into this situation brought the question front and center: if i seriously NEEDED anyone for assistance, who would be there for me? not only are we less likely in the u.s. to turn to or lean on family and friends when we need support at that level, my relatives are particularly cold and uncaring. (there is really no other way to say it.) although i have the most wonderful friends in the world, who would do for me whatever they could in whatever situation, i kept focusing on what i didn't have.
we are led to believe that family is the most important social unit there is. even in families like mine we get plenty of those messages, and even in families like mine there is usually someone who will step up to the plate in a pinch and act like real family. for me, being "alone in the world" and sick reminded me that i didn't have what many take for granted: a biological family who loves me and would help me if i got sick(er) and really needed them.
