the possibility of death
It seems that I am surrounded by the possibility of death lately. Taking into consideration my myriad health challenges, the neighborhood in which I live and all the travel I do, the possibility of my own never seems far away. Last week I found out that my brother-in-law, the one who used to assault my sister, has some serious cardiac arterial blockage and a growth on his lung. I received an email forwarded from my uncle that my father had sent around divulging that his wife, my step-mother, has systemic cancer; they can only hope for arrest and/or remission at this point, it is so pervasive (or metastasized). My father has been battling his second round of prostate cancer for the last year or so. My two second cousins – sisters – are both fighting the lung cancer that killed their mother, at around the same age that they are now. I heard yesterday that the daughter of a former friend of mine committed suicide, but I haven’t been able to confirm that.
My friend Rodger died earlier this month. He had fought so long and hard, I was surprised that he had died. And then when I heard the details, it sort of didn’t make sense: after all this time and all he’s been through, he’s going to go suddenly, from nothing, just like that? I am taking it harder than it makes sense that I should, since we were not close. As I think about it, though, it is probably the second closest AIDS-related death I have experienced so far. The closest of course was Michael, and I have also been thinking a lot about him lately. So death seems close.
It probably seems closer because I have not been doing shit lately either, besides smoking marijuana, beating off and feeding my face. Well, that is not completely true. I have also been doing a little bit of exercising. I have kept my appointments with the physical therapists, and done some walking up and down these hills on my own. And I have been having sex with others from time to time, which is exercise as well.
I have also been breaking up with a friend of mine. For a long time I have been uneasy about the friendship, as it is the kind of friendship in which the other person always has to have a bit of the upper hand. He also likes to do a lot for others but then complain about how some aspect of it didn’t go as he would have liked, or as it should have, and so on. And he is very judgemental, a know-it-all and has-to-be-right kind of guy. At times he is not much fun to be around.
He had been staying with me, and as soon as I accepted some money from him to help with expenses, things got even weirder. He started acting like he owned the place, just like when we were co-tenants in that house in the Castro. J is a nester and a tinker about the house, but he also gets this strange proprietary attitude toward the places where he lives as soon as there is an exchange of money. He did not like the fact that I eventually refused to take even when he supposedly owed me, and that I didn’t want to rehash old conversations about the issue which weren’t moving us forward. He got very childish on me and started attacking me personally, all the while rationalizing his behavior in various ways. I didn’t want to be around it, so I avoided him while he was vacating the premises.
I was already questioning why I was friends with someone who criticized me constantly, and then he blows up at me in this abusive way. He also twists my words around and puts words in my mouth, so it is impossible to talk with him for that reason alone – but he just keeps getting more and more ugly in his comments toward me, and more and more dug in. Without any means whatsoever by which to achieve mutual understandings, what would be the point in pretending we’re still friends (which he has indicated he is now disinclined to do anyway)? He also has that issue of not feeling appreciated or feeling taken for granted or some such thing, and is apparently not interested in doing anything about that either.
